Red
DwarfRed
DwarfHOLLY: This is an SOS call from the mining ship, Red Dwarf. The crew are dead, killed by a radiation leak. The only survivors are Dave Lister, who was in suspended animation during the disaster and his pregnant Cat, who was safely sealed in the hold. Revived three million years later, Lister's only companions are; a life form who evolved from his Cat, and Arnold Rimmer, a hologram simulation of one of the dead crew. We have been travelling through the galaxy now for three million years, and there are many things we've discovered. The highest form of life in the universe is Man, and the lowest is a man who works for the post office.
CAROL: "Oh, Jim! Weren't you the one who said we have to seize our moments because they may never come again?"
JIM: "This is our moment, right here and now. Let's seize it together."
CAROL: "Oh! You must know - I'm dying!"
JIM: "I know, Carol. Dr. Graham told me everything."
HOLLY: Busy are you, Dave?
LISTER: Hol, I'm watchin' the film!
HOLLY: Just wondered if you're a bit bored.
LISTER: No, no. I'm watchin' the film.
HOLLY: You're not bored, then?
LISTER: No! Go away!
CAROL: "Oh! You must know - I'm dying!"
JIM: "I know, Carol. Dr. Graham told me everything."
HOLLY: I've just finished reading everything. I've now read everything that's been written by anyone, ever.
LISTER: Would you go away?
HOLLY: You know what the worst book ever written by anyone ever was?
LISTER: I don't care!
HOLLY: "Football, It's a Funny Old Game", by Kevin Keegan.
LISTER: HOLLY, would you let watch the film?
[pause]
HOLLY: I'm at a loose end now. I don't know what to do with meself.
LISTER: Holly, why don't you just read everythin' all over again.
HOLLY: I was thinking it might help pass the time if I created a perfectly functioning replica of a woman, capable of independent decision making and abstract thought and absolutely undetectable from the real thing.
LISTER: Well why don't ya, then?
HOLLY: Because I don't know how. I wouldn't even know how to make the nose. Heh.
LISTER: Holly, is there something that you want?
HOLLY: Well actually, I've been thinking, would you mind erasing some ofmy memory banks?
LISTER: What for?
HOLLY: Well, if you erase all the Agatha Christie novels from my memory, I can read 'em again tonight.
LISTER: How do I do it?
HOLLY: Just type, "HOL MEM. PASSWORD OVER-RIDE. THE NOVELS CHRISTIE, AGATHA". Then press erase.
[pause]
LISTER: I've done it.
HOLLY: Done what?
LISTER: Erased Agatha Christie.
HOLLY: Who's she, then?
LISTER: Holly, you just asked me to erase all Agatha Christie novels from your memory.
HOLLY: Why should I do that? I've never heard of her.
LISTER: You've never heard of her because I've just erased her from your smegging memory!
HOLLY: What d'you do that for?
LISTER: You asked me to!
HOLLY: When?
LISTER: Just now!
HOLLY: I don't remember this.
LISTER: Oh! I'm goin' to bed - this is gonna go on all night.
[later]
Carol: "...dying!"
Jim: "I know, Carol. Dr Graham told me everything."
RIMMER: OFF! Ah - having a good day, Lister? Scrummed enough choccies, watched enough drivel, have you? Look at you - you're turning into a sad, middle-aged woman. Next thing you know you'll be varnishing your nails and buying girdles.
LISTER: Oh, yeah? An' what've you done that's so great?
RIMMER: I've achieved seventeen things today off my daily goal list, whereas you've never achieved anything ever in your entire life.
LISTER: Don't know, you know. I went to the Officer's Block.
RIMMER: When?
LISTER: This morning.
RIMMER: But it hasn't been decontaminated!
LISTER: You said it had last week!
RIMMER: No, I said it was on last Thursday's daily goal list!
LISTER: And you haven't done it yet?
RIMMER: Tommorow - it's on tomorrow's daily goal list. Item 34, right after "Learn Portugese".
LISTER: Thanks a lot. Don't tell me.
RIMMER: Why were you mooching around up there, anyway?
LISTER: I was looking through Kochanski's dream recorder. She dreamed about me three times, you know. It was in the log.
RIMMER: So? Clean my teeth, please, Holly?
LISTER: I mean, it must mean something. You don't dream about someone that you don't feel something for.
RIMMER: Lister, I once had a dream about a babboon but that doesn't mean I want to go to bed with it. Shave, please, Holly. Lister, you ought to take a good long look at yourself, and then you'd see just how ridiculous you appear to other people.
LISTER: If you'd let me have Kochanski's personality disk for, like, one second - maybe I could find out.
RIMMER: LISTER, if you were a Love Celibate like me, you wouldn't have these problems.
LISTER: Come on, Rimmer, the only reason you knocked around with those prats from the Love Celibacy Society was you could never get a date.
RIMMER: No, it wasn't! I happen to agree with their philsophy that love is a sickness that holds back your career and makes you want to spend all your money.
LISTER: You could never get a date because you let your mum buy all your casual clothes.
RIMMER: There is nothing wrong with my casual clothes!
LISTER: Oh, come on, Rimmer! Your trousers were so short when you crossed your legs, you could see your knees.
RIMMER: What about Yvonne MacGruder? That was a date.
LISTER: She'd been hit on the head by a winch, she had a concussion!
RIMMER: That's got nothing to do with it. She was crazy about me.
LISTER: Oh, yeah? She kept calling you "Norman".
RIMMER: She still went to bed with me.
LISTER: Yeah, because she had wonky vision and she thought you were somebody else!
RIMMER: Serves her right for being concussed, doesn't it?
LISTER: Ah, you don't know what love is.
RIMMER: Yes, I do. Love is a device invented by bank managers to make us overdrawn.
LISTER: Rimmer... love is what makes us different from animals.
RIMMER: No, Lister. What makes us different from animals is we don't use our tongues to clean our own genitals.
[later]
LISTER: Lights! Rimmer, are you awake? Rimmer! Are you awake?
RIMMER: What? Yes, Mum, I'm just packing my satchel! Where am I? What time is it?
LISTER: I don't feel very well.
RIMMER: HALF PAST THREE?
LISTER: I feel really ill!
RIMMER: Well, you are really ill.
LISTER: No, I mean, REALLY ill. I'm goin' down to the Medical Unit. I don't feel very well.
[pause]
RIMMER: Lights! Ah, Miss McGruder, where were we?
[cut]
LISTER: I feel really hot.
[cut]
CAT: Hey! This is mine! That's mine! All this is mine! I'm claiming ALL this as mine - except that bit. I don't want that bit. But all the rest of this is mine! Hey! This has been a really good day. I've eaten five times, I've slept six times, and I've made a lot of things mine. Tomorrow, I'm gonna see if I can't have sex with something! Oooooooooow! Yeaaaaaaah!
[pause]
CAT: "S-E-X, you know I want it! S-E-X, I'm gonna get it! S-E-X, I think I found it!" Oh, it' you! Hey, monkey - you're sick! Sick, helpless, and unconscious. If you weren't my friend, I'd steal your shoes! Time for a snack - this way!
HOLLY: Emergency. There's an emergency going on. It's still going on.It's still an emergency. Will Arnold Rimmer please hurry to White Corridor 159. This is an emergency announcement.
[cut]
CAT: Food!
Dispensor: Today's Speciality is Chicken Meringue.
CAT: "I'm gonna eat you, little chickie. I'm gonna eat you, little chickie. I'm gonna eat you little chickie."
[pause]
CAT: Uh-oh, too slow, chicken merango! Too slow for this Cat!
[pause]
CAT: Hey! This chicken is faster than I thought!
RIMMER: Quick! Lister's fainted! He needs help! Quick!
[pause]
RIMMER: Didn't you hear me? Didn't anyone hear me? Lister's in trouble! The monkey? Oo-oo-oo? Has fainted? I can not pick him up!Quick! Come on! Now!
[pause]
RIMMER: Is there something wrong with you? Didn't you hear me? Lister's collapsed!
CAT: Yeah?
RIMMER: What do you mean "yeah"? He needs help!
CAT: And?
RIMMER: And if you don't help him he might die!
CAT: Aw, no! That's too bad. I really liked him, too.
RIMMER: So come and help him!
CAT: What, and interrupt my lunch?
RIMMER: What is more important? A man's life or your smegging lunch?
CAT: That doesn't even deserve an answer.
RIMMER: Right. Okay. Fine.
[pause]
RIMMER: You (pointing at two skutters) come with me. You get a stretcher.
[later]
RIMMER: Down. Down. (directing the Skutters) Okay, stop.
LISTER: Let the Medicom take my temperature.
RIMMER: Lister, they've got to learn. Down, down, slowly now. Ah, ah, now very, very, very slowly forward.
LISTER: AARGH! ME EYE!
RIMMER: Lister, they've got to learn!
LISTER: I'VE JUST NEARLY LOST AN EYE!
RIMMER: How about an anal reading?
LISTER: I'm all right! I feel fine now!
RIMMER: Well, you're not fine. And it's your own smegging fault for going up to the Officer's Deck before it was decontaminated.
LISTER: I just wanted to have a look around.
RIMMER: You just wanted to go into Kochanski's quarters and wallow in self-pity, and look what's it got you!
LISTER: I'm all right. I've got a touch of pneumonia. That's all.
RIMMER: It's not pneumonia. Three million years ago it was pneumonia, but since then it's bred and mutated and now we don't know what it is.
LISTER: Why didn't I ask her out? What's the worst she could've said?
RIMMER: She could've said, "No, you're a filthy, greasy, disgusting object I wouldn't be seen dead with in a plague pit."
LISTER: She could've said, "yes"! Stranger things have happened.
RIMMER: Only two spring to mind, Lister the spontaneous combustion of the Mayor of Warsaw in 1546, and that incident in 12th Century Burgundy when it rained herring.
LISTER: There's this theory that Chen used to have. It's like, everyone's got two people inside you. You've got your confidence and paranoia. And your confidence's the guy who goes, "Hey you're great! You're dead sexy! Everybody loves you!" And your paranoia says, "You're stupid. You're useless. You're ugly. And everybody hates you."
RIMMER: That's odd, Lister. According to this reading, you're clinically dead!
LISTER: And what that was, was my confidence was just about to persuade me to ask Kochanski out, and as I was walking up to her he'd go on a business trip to Hawaii or something and I'd be left with my paranoia saying, "You must be joking. She's gonna laugh in our face."
RIMMER: You know, sometimes Lister, you can be quite perceptive and thought provoking. And other times, like this, you can rant and drivel on like a complete loonie.
LISTER: Just take me to me bed.
RIMMER: All right, LISTER.
[pause]
RIMMER: OK, you know how it works. Now release the mechanism very, very, very gently.
(the skutter releases the chair and Lister goes flying off)
RIMMER: Possibly a gnat's more gently than that.
[later]
LISTER: Quick! Get an umbrella! Get an umbrella! Quick, get an umbrella! Get an umbrella! Cor! Ungh!
RIMMER: "Necrobics - Hologrammatic Exercises for the Dead."
LISTER: It's raining! It's raining down! Get an umbrella! It's raining! It's raining!
(starts to rain fish)
RIMMER: Holly, what's going on?
HOLLY: What?
RIMMER: What's happening?
HOLLY: Erm, Herkel Barrow's just stepped off the steaming train. And if you want my opinion, I think they all did it.
RIMMER: Why did we have to have you as the ship's computer? We'd be better off with a bucket of sheep's slop running things.
HOLLY: If you've got a complaint, just come straight out with it. Don't hide behind innuendo and hyperbole.
RIMMER: Why is it raining fish in our sleeping quarters?
HOLLY: I'd be lying if I said I knew. The only comparable incident is in 12th Century Burgundy, when it rained herring.
(a mayor comes down the corridor and explodes)
RIMMER: Oh, yes. It's gonna be one of those days.
[later]
CAT: Hey, you're awake!
LISTER: Yeah, I've just woke up.
CAT: Yeah, well - I've brought you some presents!
LISTER: Aw, you shouldn't have bothered.
CAT: Ha, ha! Well, I'm that kind of guy! Hey, let's see what we've got in the magic bag here! I got you some... grapes! (eaten) And I got you got you an... orange!(also eaten)
LISTER: Thanks a lot.
CAT: That's all right. Hey, well - all this enormous generosity has made me tired. I'm going to bed. Ah, yes, indeedy.
RIMMER: You're awake?
CAT: Yeah, but I'll be asleep in a minute.
RIMMER: How do you feel?
CAT: Fine. Just don't ask me anymore questions. I'm trying to sleep!
RIMMER: Shut up, you stupid moggy! And out of that bed!
CAT: Well! If you're going to speak to me like that, I'm gonna take my presents back!
RIMMER: How do you feel?
CAT: Hurt!
LISTER: I feel great.
RIMMER: Listen, LISTER - you had a fever, OK?
LISTER: Yeah?
RIMMER: And... you started to hallucinate, all right?
LISTER: Yeah?
RIMMER: Only your hallucinations... were solid.
LISTER: What do you mean, "solid"?
RIMMER: I mean they were real - alive - solid.
LISTER: Solid?
RIMMER: Solid.
LISTER: What do you mean, "they were solid"?
RIMMER: OK, I'll put it another way. You had hallucinations, all right?
LISTER: Yeah?
RIMMER: And they were solid. I told you it wasn't ordinary pneumonia. I told you it was mutated. I knew something like this would happen.
LISTER: OK. Well, what did I hallucinate?
RIMMER: Well, first of all, it was fish rain.
LISTER: Fish rain? Yeah, I dreamt that!
RIMMER: Well, it actually happened!
LISTER: Where's all the fish?
CAT: Somebody ate them!
RIMMER: Then, the Mayor of Warsaw spontaneously combusted. And then you hallucinated two men in the Drive Room.
LISTER: What two men?
RIMMER: Apparently, one of them's your confidence and the other one's your paranoia.
Int drive room
Confidence:Hey! It's the King! Mr Beautiful! Hey, you - what does the "H" stand for? Horace? A chair for the King, Horace. And breakfast. Mr Wonderful wishes to dine. Have you lost weight? You look terrific! Is he totally perfect or what?
LISTER: You're my confidence?
Confidence:I just love that accent. It makes me go all quibbley!
LISTER: I don't get it - you look like the manager of the London Jets, but you sound like Bing Baxter, the American quiz show host.
Confidence:I'm all the things you associate with confidence, King.
LISTER: And you're my paranoia?
Paranoia: Isn't that a urine stain on the front of your trousers?
LISTER: What? No, it isn't - it's tea!
Paranoia: So how are you anyway? Isn't that a huge spot appearing on your so-called face? My god, you've got fat, haven't you? Must be all that lager. Bet you've got a terminal disease. Always happens to the people who least expect it. Don't you find that? Say "hello", then, won't you? I'm only trying to be friendly.
Confidence:Baby, baby - what can I say? Is he the greatest, most fantasic, most handsome guy ever, or am I insane?
RIMMER: You're insane. LISTER, what are you going to do about them?
LISTER: Do? What can I do?
RIMMER: I think we should arrest them.
LISTER: What for?
RIMMER: For being hallucinations.
LISTER: Come on, smeghead. It's a bit of company, isn't it?
RIMMER: Lister, you're still sick. These two are symptoms of your disease. They're like the spots in measles, the swelling in mumps, the funny walk in cystitis. Until they're gone, you won't be better.
Confidence:Hey, now I know what the "H" stands for - "Hidiot"! Am I right? Heh, heh, heh!
RIMMER: You are treading on a very thin line, meladdo. The "H" stands for "Hologram". I happen to be dead.
Confidence: Couldn't happen to a more deserving guy! Come on, King. Forget those losers. Let's go party.
RIMMER: No, I forbid it!
LISTER: Why?
Paranoia: Why do you never listen to Mr RIMMER? He's so much more experienced, more level-headed, so much... better than you.
Confidence:Listen, no-one is better than Mr Magnificent, and no one tells the Prince of Charisma what to do. Right, Prince?
LISTER: Yeah, right!
Confidence: That's my Davey-boy! Oohoo!
[pause]
RIMMER: I don't believe it. He's socializing with a figment of his imagination.
Paranoia: Yes.
[later]
HOLLY: Please note the dust storm approaching. The surface of the ship is now out of bounds. All air locks are being automatically sealed. Estimated duration: eighteen hours.
[later]
LISTER: (Sing to confidence) "...our love I tried to kindle, like firelight it... dwindles, now I wonder when this... wind'll ever... stop."
Confidence:You wrote that?
LISTER: Yeah, but that was ages ago, y'know.
Confidence:That is the greatest love song ever.
LISTER: Come on!
Confidence:Ever! It's so DEEP! All the images! The kindling, the dwindling, all the -indling! I love all that stuff! When I think there's fast buck merchants like Beethoven and Mozart out there, grabbing all the publicity and here's you, writing pieces of that caleeber, it makes me feel weak.
LISTER: What are you doing with that cigarette butt?
Confidence:Oh, you've embarassed me now. It's just that, your lips have touched it. Your lips! The King's kissing lips! And I just wanted some proof that I'd actually met the Duke of Deliciousness!
LISTER: You're serious, aren't ya?
Confidence:Serious about what?
LISTER: I'm a nobody! Out of a hundred and sixty-nine people aboard this ship, I ranked one-six-nine. Bottom of the pile.
Confidence:That's because you didn't want all that career stuff. You wanted your farm on Fiji with you-know-who.
LISTER: If she'd've come.
Confidence:If? IF? And turn down the opportunity of becoming the envy of all womankind?
LISTER: Oh, we'll never know now.
Confidence:Why not?
LISTER: She's dead.
Confidence:So? So's Rimmer. Bring her back.
LISTER: I can't. Holly can only sustain one hologram and Rimmer's hidden all the other personality disks.
Confidence:So? Find them.
LISTER: I can't.
Confidence:Can't? You can do anything! Anything!
[cut]
Paranoia: ...anything. He can't do anything.
RIMMER: Oh, I know, I know. I'll bet five.
Paranoia: Do you know he used to practice kissing on his own?
RIMMER: How?
Paranoia: He made lips out of one hand and waggled his thumb through the gap, like a tongue.
RIMMER: That is priceless! It really is.
Paranoia: Seventeen years old and he used to snog his own hand. Once, in front of the whole school, he called his gym teacher "Daddy".
[pause]
Paranoia: I could've died with embarassment.
RIMMER: Oh, what a silly thing to call a gym master.
Paranoia: I'm racked with guilt. I hate him.
RIMMER: Why do you hate him? Why do you talk about him so much?
Paranoia: Because he makes my life one big, humiliating, cringe-making, guilt-ridden hell!
RIMMER: NOW! QUICK! STAB HIM! STAB HIM! STAB HIM!
[pause]
RIMMER: Er, you haven't met "Stabbim", have you? He's one of the skutters. Stabbim, meet LISTER's paranoia. LISTER's paranoia, this is Stabbim.
LISTER: Yo, RIMMER! Listen, we've been thinkin'. We think we can get Kochanski back without turning you off.
Paranoia: Oh, he's drunk. Yes. I can smell it from here.
LISTER: All we have to do is turn off all non-essential power systems an' Holly says it'll work.
Confidence:Ding, dong! Another great idea, from the people who brought you Beeeeer Milkshakes!
Paranoia: How can you be so obsessed with a girl you hardly know?
Confidence:Hardly know, sir? You haven't heard the "-indling" song! "Our love I tried to kindle..."
LISTER: Not now!
RIMMER: Lister, you're not having the disks.
LISTER: Why? Because she'll rank above you?
Paranoia: But she's a bright, intelligent, good-looking, witty, upwardly mobile officer. Why should she be interested in you?
RIMMER: Yes, why should she be interested in you?
LISTER: Yeah, why should she be interested in me?
Confidence:Hmm? Oh, sorry, I was just thinking about that song. I can't get it out of my head. Why? Because you're great! You're an incredibly seductive, charming, charismatic, young stud!
LISTER: Oh, yeah - I forgot! That's why she'd be interested in me!
RIMMER: Lister, you're not having her disk or any disks.
Confidence:Come on, King - you know RIMMER. Where would he hide 'em?
LISTER: I don't know.
Confidence:Yes, you do.
Paranoia: No, he doesn't.
Confidence:Come on, think "Winner"!
LISTER: Outside - outside the ship!
RIMMER: Er... wrong, actually!
Confidence:Where outside?
LISTER: Well, he'd have to send the skutters... and the disks would have to be safe...
RIMMER: Wrong, wrong. Absolutely brimming over with wrongability.
LISTER: An' they'd have to be right under me nose so he could laugh at me.
RIMMER: Wrong, and getting wronger all the time.
LISTER: Outside our sleeping quarters! The solar panel outside our sleeping quarters!
RIMMER: You followed me, you goit!
LISTER: Is that where they are? That's incredible! I did it!
[later]
RIMMER: Lister?
[later]
LISTER: How long now, Hol?
HOLLY: Can't be long now, Dave. Herkel has got all the suspects in one room and I'm only two pages away from "also by the same author".
LISTER: No, Holly - the dust storm.
HOLLY: Oh, that. Any time now, it's almost subsided.
Confidence:Yeah! How's my baby boy? Oh, look! You've got a body like a coat hanger! How can you make a Spacesuit look like evening wear?
RIMMER: Let me ask you one question.
LISTER: It's no use arguing, RIMMER. I'm going.
RIMMER: Who smashed up the medicomp?
Confidence:He's stalling, King - let's go.
RIMMER: HOLLY, give him a punch up.
[pause]
LISTER: Look, what's in it for them, smashing up the medical unit?
RIMMER: Lister, come here. Come here. You are still sick.
LISTER: I feel great!
RIMMER: You will not... you will not... you will not be better until THEY'VE gone. They know that, and now they've stopped you getting any treatment. Where's Paranoia?
Confidence:I don' t know. Is it someplace near Uruguay? Heh, heh, heh! Who is this joker?
RIMMER: Lister, they're germs and they're dangerous.
HOLLY: The storm has passed, Dave. Airlocks are now released.
Confidence:What are we waiting for, King?
[pause]
LISTER: Nothin'.
[pause]
RIMMER: HOLLY, put a trace on Paranoia.
HOLLY: What's a trace?
RIMMER: It's Space jargon. It means find him.
HOLLY: No, it doesn't. You just made it up to be cool.
RIMMER: Where is he?
HOLLY: Paranoia is no longer aboard this ship.
[later]
Confidence:Hey, look at that view, Kingo! Me and you, on top of the world! Makes you wanna dance! Cha, cha, cha, cha, cha, cha, cha, cha...
LISTER: Hey, here it is!
Confidence:Cha, cha, cha, cha, cha, cha, cha, cha, cha...
LISTER: Did you hear something?
Confidence:Nope. In Space, no one can hear you cha-cha-cha!
LISTER: You don't think Paranoia could've got here first, do you?
Confidence:Forget him, he's no danger.
LISTER: He smashed up the medical unit.
Confidence:No, he didn't.
LISTER: What do you mean?
Confidence:I did!
LISTER: YOU DID?
Confidence:So we can be together, Davy! You don't want to get cured. I did it for you!
LISTER: So where did he go, then?
Confidence:I killed him. Cha-cha-cha...
LISTER: What do you mean, "you killed him cha-cha-cha"?
Confidence:Hey, don't look at me like that. He didn't suffer. I just fed him into the waste grinder and flushed his bits into Space.
LISTER: Look, I'm gonna go inside now. Gets a little bit hot, you could get claustrophobic in these suits.
Confidence:Take your helmet off.
LISTER: WHAT?
Confidence:You're hot. Take your helmet off.
LISTER: I'll die!
Confidence:Why?
LISTER: There's no oxygen out here!
Confidence:Hey! Oxygen's for losers! Come on!
LISTER: I NEED oxygen!
Confidence:You don't need anything, King. You're the King!
LISTER: You're crazy!
Confidence:Who told you you needed oxygen, huh? Some loser who was trying to make you feel small. Look, I'll prove it to you. I'll take mine off first. We'll soon see who the crazy one is around here!
LISTER: NO!
(Confidence removes his helmet and explodes)
RIMMER: Must you do this now?
CAT: I'm doing my laundry!(by licking the colthes)
RIMMER: It's totally disgusting.
CAT: What's disgusting?
RIMMER: Lister?
LISTER: Yeah?
RIMMER: I just want to say I was right all along. I said they were germs, and they were germs.
LISTER: Yeah, OK. So what?
RIMMER: And I'm just saying now, that disk will only bring you misery. I just want you to remember that I said that.
LISTER: Look, if she comes back and she's not interested, I can handle it.
RIMMER: Whatever, LISTER. I just want it on record: that disk is a one-way ticket to Miseryville.
LISTER: Yeah, well, I spent enough time listening to me Paranoia. Now I'm gonna listen to me Confidence.
[later]
LISTER: Hi, Chrissie. (It's not gonna work). Hello, Chrissie. (That's not gonna work either). Hey! Yo, Chrissie!
[pause]
LISTER: Hi?
[pause]
RIMMER: LISTER, good luck. I mean it.
LISTER: Smeg off.
RIMMER: No, honestly, I mean it. Good luck.
LISTER: OK, Hol. Switch it on.
RIMMER-2: Well, he did warn you!
RIMMER: I certainly did! Do you honestly think I'd put Kochanski's disk in Kochanski's box, where any munchkin could find it? You think you had it bad before, Lister - well, now you've got it in stereo, baby!
[pause]
RIMMER: Welcome aboard, Rimsie!
RIMMER-2: Nice to be here, Mr RIMMER - you son of a gun!
[end]
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Last update November 27, 2000
